Communication

Communication – the conveying of information and ideas – is one of the most common and important human activities. We probably take it for granted. Yet, if we think about it, we are commun­icating something nearly all the time during our waking hours, through what we say, how we say it, how we behave (consciously and unconsciously). We are also commun­icating something through how we do not act or respond in situations where a response may have been expected. It may even be said that our thoughts, our inner conscious dialogue, is a form of communication with ourselves.

Communication and Conflict

Personal relationships and their quality are defined by the quality of communication, whether it is a workplace relationship, couple or family, to name just a few.

If there is one factor that is consistent between disputes and mediations, it is commun­ication. It is often said that conflict is either caused by or leads to communication breakdown. “You don’t talk to me anymore,” is frequently heard during disputes. Unhelpful communications can start or prolong disputes, just as being in a dispute can sometimes lead to people unhelpfully communicating.

Mediation is a process that resolves disputes. In an environment of previous ruptures in relationships and communication breakdowns, the prospects of success in mediation are frequently dependent on the quality of the communication between the parties. Communicating better equals greater chances of a successful mediation.

Helpful Communication

We won’t talk about “good” or “bad” communications; these terms are too judgemental. Instead, we prefer to use the word “helpful.”

What do helpful communications look like in mediation? We suggest that –

1. Helpful communications occur in mediation when we say what we need to say. Helpful commun­ication leaves nothing out. It includes all the necessary facts. It includes opinions, that are based on facts. It includes the expression of feelings. It includes concessions. It does not withhold inform­ation that the other party needs. It does not withhold information for the purpose of an ambush later. Helpful communications are open and honest.
2. Helpful communications occur in mediation when we are aware that communication consists of more than what we say. We communicate a lot through body language. A roll of the eyes, a jab of a finger, leaning forward or back, or a facial expression speaks volumes. A helpful communicator is aware of this and will ensure that their body language is conveying the right message. They will make sure that there is a consistency or a congruency between their body language and what they may be saying.
3. Helpful communications occur in mediation when we listen. Effective communication is not just about giving information, it is also about receiving it. Sometimes, how information is received – how we listen – is very important. If we provide people with the space to listen to them, free from interruption, they will be able to express themselves fully, which helps them and us. It enables us to get a more complete understanding of the issues and the perspectives, and it helps them feel heard. When a person feels that someone is listening to them, the chances of resolving any issues will increase.

How to Communicate

Here are some tips on how to communicate effectively.

1. Be open, when you talk and when you listen. Being open when you talk involves speaking truthfully, even when the truth may be painful. Being open when you listen involves you being prepared to consider other perspectives, other facts, and other solutions. We are not always right all the time. Often, there is more than one answer, there is more than one way of seeing things.

When we talk and listen, we can be open through our body language. Maintaining eye contact, making sure that we do not cross our arms, slightly leaning towards the other person, keeping our hands still – these are some examples of body language that is telling someone that we are listening to them.

2. Be aware of your feelings. Sometimes, emotions can get in the way of being a helpful communicator. Know how you are feeling. Acknowledge it to yourself. This is an important first step in dealing with your emotions.
3. Respond, don’t react. To react means to give way to your emotions, to let emotions take control. Sometimes, this works. Many times, it only makes a bad situation worse. It is better to respond by:

1. Pausing, even for a moment.
2. Identifying how you are feeling and why.
3. Consider what is the best way forward. Ask yourself, “Of all the possible ways of responding, what is the best way to proceed, for me and for those who are important to me?”
4. Acting, by following through on what you have decided to do.
5. Evaluating. Are you on track, doing the things you wanted to do? Or, are you getting off track and slipping into reacting mode rather than responding mode. Is how you are communicating working or do you need to change what you are doing?

Emotional Control

Sometimes, it can be difficult to control our emotions.

We know it is best in the circumstances that we control our emotions, but it can be hard. The most difficult emotions to control are the ones that can do most damage: anger, hate, resentment, frustration.

If you need inform­ation about these emotions and how best to control them, we have a tip sheet “How to Control Unhelpful Emotions.” Contact us and we will send you our tip sheet without any obligations.